Tag Archives: Communication

Do You Hide or Reveal the Truth?

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honestyWe’ve all had moments of trepidation when asked difficult, inappropriate or even embarrassing questions. How we respond to those questions is the topic of a recent study released by researchers at the Harvard Business School.

I first heard of the study through a report by Shankar Vedantam, science correspondent for National Public Radio during the February 4, 2016 Morning Edition program, and was intrigued by the study.

Researchers Leslie John, Kate Barasz and Michael Norton of the Harvard Business School explored what happens when we hide or reveal the truth in their paper entitled What Hiding Reveals.

The study shows that a confession is often better received – even welcome – than suppression. The study shows that people do not trust those who hold back, and they actually prefer people who reveal more information, even if it’s “unsavory.” The research team applied the theory to both dating and job interviewing.

The two types of responders are labeled Hider (Withholder) and Revealer. Here’s a brief description:

The Hider (Withholder). The Hider (Withholder) will tell you anything she thinks you want to hear in order to get the job or even a date with you. For example, you may ask her in a job interview what her worst or even least successful course was in college. She may say something positive and perky like, “Oh, I didn’t have any negative experiences in college. My GPA was always above a 3.4.” That may seem to be a logical approach: She wants to make a favorable first impression. However, when the transcripts are reviewed, the interviewer finds that for two semesters, her GPA was below a 3.0. Hmmm… The interviewer may begin wondering, “If she withheld that kind of information, how could I trust her to be forthright if she worked for me?” In that case, it would have been better for the interviewee to be honest.

The Revealer. The Revealer chooses to answer the question in a straightforward way, even if the information being shared may be less than desirable. If you have cheated on your taxes, had a Restraining Order filed by your ex-spouse or padded your expense accounts, you may think people may not want to hear that because it presents you in a negative light. Researchers say your honesty may get you that second interview or even a date. Nearly 80% (78.9%) of survey respondents said they would choose to date the Revealer rather than the Withholder. Think about it. Wouldn’t you like to know that someone had attended Anger Management School before you dated (or hired) him?

Using myself as an example, though never asked the question that the Hider (Withholder) was asked, let me lay it out for you here. My worst college course was a four-hour credit, senior-level International Law course that I decided to take during summer school between my sophomore and junior year (yep…in just five weeks). I was not a political science major nor had I taken any lower level poli sci courses before. Tsk Tsk. While I am not proud of the D that I earned in that course, it taught me a very important lesson in life: Go with your gut reaction. When your gut says, “Don’t do it,” listen to your gut!

The bottom line: Sharing builds trust. So when I ask the question, “Do these pants make me look fat?” please be honest with me!

A Handwritten Note? What a Concept!

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july-1-2015Celebrate National Handwriting Day – January 23 – by creating several handwritten notes and sending them to people who matter most in your life or who deserve recognition. Sending an email or text doesn’t carry the same power as a handwritten note. When you take the time to express yourself through writing, the recipient appreciates the gesture. Here are some ideas:

Send a letter to your parent(s). I will be sending a short letter to my 95-year-old mother who lives about 70 miles away from me. She enjoys receiving mail, so I like to surprise her occasionally with a handwritten letter. Since she gave me life, she is #1 on my list!

Show appreciation to your main squeeze. My husband, Mark, does so much for me. I will write him a note of thanks and place it on his computer so he finds it in the morning. (I know there is some irony in placing the note on his computer).

Write comments to staff or co-workers. Seeing your handwritten words “Great job” or “I love this idea” on a report or memo, or in a special note or card expressing your thanks means so much to the people who work with you.

Surprise a friend with a card. You may be so caught up in your own life that you may have forgotten the impact that a kind gesture can have on someone else. The sentiment in your card may provide a bright spot in someone else’s otherwise gray day.

Write yourself a note. I’m not talking about a reminder note like “Buy milk”…I’m talking about writing yourself a meaningful note. It can be personal or inspirational. Consider a brief mantra that will keep you focused, like “Share your voice” or “Live joyfully.” Pose a thought-provoking question, like “What positive change are you creating today?” This Japanese proverb sits on my desk:

“One kind word can warm

three winter months.”

 

National Handwriting Day was created in 1977 by the Writing Instrument Manufacturers Association (WIMA), designed to promote the use of writing instruments like pens, pencils and markers. January 23 was selected for National Handwriting Day because it is the birth date of John Hancock, the first signer of the Declaration of Independence. Hancock never could have imagined that reference to his famous signature would be used in everyday conversation when people often say, “Put your John Hancock on this.”

John-Hancock-Name

If you want to learn more about the handwritten note, read Margaret Shepherd’s book, The Art of the Handwritten Note: A Guide to Reclaiming Civilized Communication.

In recognition of National Handwriting Day, who will you be recognizing? Appreciating? Praising? Something that seems so simple – a handwritten note – will position you as thoughtful and appreciative.

Money Can’t Buy It

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washington.eyeOf all the things that bring us the greatest joy in life, none of them are gifts that are purchased. Instead, they are gifts that come from the heart. They can be given or received. They cannot be bought.

Every year, beginning in late November, people begin purchasing items for holiday gift giving. Often within a few days after the presents have been opened, they become one of many material possessions, tucked away on a shelf, in a drawer, in a cupboard or a closet. The gifts that bring the most lasting joy are those that don’t cost a penny.

Consider the gifts that you can give to others every day:

A smile.

A kind word.

A thank you.

A helping hand.

Recognition for a job well done.

A story.

A shared memory.

A laugh.

A loving embrace.

A hug.

A positive attitude.

Not one of these costs a thing yet each delivers endless riches. What could you do to bring more value to conversations, exchanges or chance encounters this holiday season? How can you keep it going into the New Year? Every day?

Don’t just stand there…do something. If you see an older person struggling to open a door, come to the rescue. If someone drops a glove as she walks down the street, take it to her. If you see someone sitting alone at a gathering, go over and introduce yourself. Invest some time in giving to others. You just might make someone else’s day.

A Simple, Powerful Statement

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philosophyDecades ago when I tried to wrap my young mind around Philosophy 101, I struggled to understand its inherent polarities, complexities and of course the never-ending string of thought-provoking questions asked by my professor. At 19, I saw the sky as the sky and that was it. I hadn’t yet explored why the sky existed, how far it extended or if a parallel universe existed. Over the years, I have continued my fascination with the field of philosophy and the brilliant minds who have explored – and continue to explore –  inquiry, knowledge and thought.

In recent years, I have enjoyed the various 21-day meditation series created and hosted by Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey. They often include the Sanskrit Mantra “So Hum,”  which simply means “I am.”

Such a simple statement, yet within it lies a vast terrain for contemplation and exploration.

In my professional presentations, I often begin with an engaging kick-off activity that asks audience members to think of a word or phrase that best describes who they think they are. Then I ask them to pair up with another person in the room to describe each other with just one word or phrase, always in writing, never spoken. They do several rounds of this, with different partners, before revealing to each other how other people described them. The activity has the same result: Surprise and delight. People come away from the activity feeling validated. Often their perception of self comes close to what other people perceived. Once in a while there are some differences. The activity drives home the point that perception and reality are not always exactly the same.

People’s responses to this activity reinforce the notion that we are conditioned to believe that we must be validated by others to feel whole and complete. The human brain is designed to “name” and categorize every living being, object or experience. We create and attach labels to every thought and the brain stores that information for future retrieval (if retrieved at all).

While this activity has positive, consistent results, it reminds me that when we are truly whole and complete, there is no need to fill in the blank. We are enough as is. We simply say with immense satisfaction and fulfillment, “I am.”

Are you?

Social Change Begins With Open Dialogue

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intercultural-communication-2There is a constant thread running through the daily news feed: The need for honest, open, respectful dialogue to create true social change. Whether it is a single altercation with the law or a community demonstration, too many lives are being ended abruptly and unnecessarily because what could have been a normal conversation escalated into shouts and shots.

On October 17, something miraculous happened outside the Noor Islamic Cultural Center in Columbus, Ohio: Open dialogue.

A sole Christian protester (named Annie) came to the Cultural Center prepared to protest against the Islamic faith. Instead of provoking Annie, Antioch University religious scholar Micah David Naziri engaged in open dialogue. It began with a few simple questions and comments. The near 50-minute conversation, captured on videotape, was civil and peaceful. Although the two disagreed on principles and beliefs, they were able to remain engaged in a cooperative manner during the entire discussion. One Muslim, Cynthia DeBoutinkhar, approached Annie and gave her a hug. She posted her experience on Facebook. A small group of the Cultural Center’s membership walked Annie to the mosque to continue the conversation.

Social change begins with face-to-face dialogue that is respectful, non-judgmental and non-confrontational. Building on a one-on-one dialogue, we can also create a broader, open community engagement.

There is much to be learned about respectful communication and understanding. It begins with educating ourselves. While we speak up for what we believe in, we must also treat others with dignity and respect – even those whose opinions are opposite ours. We must first open up our own thinking before we can engage in open dialogue. Instead of setting aside differences, bring them into the dialogue for closer examination, understanding and resolution. Whether in your home, office or community, you possess the power to engage in a conversation that leads to greater understanding. To expand your thinking, consider these resources:

The Facebook page for Do One Thing for Diversity and Inclusion, a collaborative effort between UNESCO and the UN Alliance of Civilizations

The American Library Association’s Community Conversation Workbook, if you want to coordinate a community conversation

The Plum Village Conflict Resolution Guide, incorporating in its foundation both mindfulness and loving kindness

Beyond religious differences, we encounter many differences in our everyday life. Our behavior informs how we view and respond to those differences. These resources, above, provide unique perspectives on how we can see the world more holistically.

Turn an Awkward Moment Into a Gracious Introduction

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2peopletalkingHave you ever been in an awkward situation? Of course you have. You’re only human.

A few months ago, my husband and I were invited to attend a party of a professional colleague. We don’t know this person well, yet we continue to see each other at professional functions throughout the year. We decided to go.

And then it happened: The awkward moment.

Mark and I had gone through the buffet line and had just sat down at a table outside. The energetic hostess came over to us, dropped off two guests with the announcement, “Here’s someone you know!” The woman and I looked at each other. She looked somewhat familiar to me yet I couldn’t place where we had met. She could tell from my facial expression that I was struggling to place her face (I don’t mask confusion very well). She first said her name. Nothing registered. Then she mentioned the statewide professional organization where we first met a number of years ago. (She hadn’t attended any meetings in recent years).

I had seen her a handful of times over the past decade, and we had very little interaction with each other. That was then…this was now. No wonder my mind went blank. You see, the host assumed that I would remember her. Had the host thought a little more carefully about the introduction, she would have jogged my memory. The introduction could have sounded something like this:

“Christine, you may remember (key words) Jane Doe (include the first and last name) from the ABC organization (mention the name of the professional organization).” In this way, the host has given me a frame of reference, a context in which I can recall that person. Simply saying “Here’s someone you know!” doesn’t provide enough reference to jog the memory.

The next time you introduce people, take a moment to think before speaking. Include some frame of reference. You could save a colleague or friend the embarrassment – and frustration – of experiencing an awkward moment.

LinkedIn Contacts Require a Closer Look

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imagesThere I was, minding my own business on LinkedIn last week, and I got distracted by a pop-up window asking me if I wanted to connect with several people who I knew. One of them, a woman I have known for decades yet haven’t seen for years, was included in the list. I thought how nice it would be to reconnect, so I sent the LinkedIn request. She accepted my invitation within a day. What happened next caught me by surprise.

You see, I sent her a follow-up LinkedIn private message, telling her how glad I was that we were reconnected through LinkedIn and how “easy” it would be for us to get together for coffee or lunch. (I remembered that she and I lived on the same side of town.) Now comes the kicker. Her response was simply how she would love to get together but I may have to wait a while…a few years…because she and her husband were living on their sailboat in Belize. Wow.

I learned a very important lesson: Sometimes we may think we know the people in our LinkedIn network and then we discover we don’t know them at all. It got me thinking. How often do you review your LinkedIn network of contacts? I mean really review who is in your network, where they are, what they are doing, their background, their interests?

When I began my career several decades ago, people often measured your level of influence based on the size of your Rolodex*. Power came with volume. The more contacts, the bigger the Rolodex. The bigger the Rolodex, the greater the influence. Today, that level of influence is measured by the number of LinkedIn contacts, Twitter followers or Facebook friends you have. The landscape has changed.

So when I received this message from my colleague in Belize, I smiled and said to myself, “How cool is this? Here I am, sitting in my home office in Ohio and she’s sitting on her boat halfway around the world and we are connecting through technology.” It just goes to show you, you can connect and reconnect with people in your network at any time, anywhere in the world.

How often do you review your LinkedIn network? Who needs to be included? Who can you reconnect with through a simple email, phone call or text? What’s your plan? Your network awaits you.

*Rolodex (definition): For those of you who are too young to remember, the Rolodex system is a unique way of alphabetically “filing” business contact information (name, title, company, etc.) on individual physical cards placed within a metal holder for easy retrieval. Created in 1956, the word Rolodex comes from combining the words “rolling” and “index.” I’m sure you can still find them in some people’s offices today.

To Have or To Not Have: A Coffee Chat

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coffee-cup-funny-faceSmallIf there is one thing I have learned about the business world today it’s this: People are busy! Their calendars are jammed with meetings, either virtual or in-person. They are being asked to produce more with fewer resources. The bar for performance has been raised into the stratosphere, often accompanied by unrealistic expectations. It begs the question, “How do you use your time each day?”

Time is a precious commodity because there is a finite amount of it available to you. Every person is given 24 hours in one day, 60 minutes in each hour and 60 seconds in each minute. No more. No less. You choose what to do within that given time period every day. Some people handle their time more efficiently than others.

A great time vampire, if you let it be, is the coffee chat. It sounds like a simple request: “Let’s have coffee and chat.” If you are not careful and you don’t qualify the request, that time can quickly turn into this: “Let’s have coffee and chat and spend the entire time talking about me and what I need from you so that I can be more successful in my life.”

Don’t get me wrong. Having coffee with colleagues and chatting about something that is mutually meaningful is time well spent. When someone who you haven’t heard from in 5-10 years wants you to drop everything and have coffee and chat about what he wants to do with his life, then take the time and ask yourself “Is it worthy of me investing my time?”

This is not cold hearted. You are just trying to free up your schedule to do more of the things that you need to do rather than saying “Yes” to every request that comes your way. Here is a foolproof solution to these phantom requests: Have a conversation by phone rather than in person. Not having to drive to a location saves you about an hour round trip. Telephone conversations typically are much shorter than in-person conversations. What could consume two to three hours of your time is neatly reduced to 20-30 minutes. You get what you need, and so does the other person.

The next time someone requests coffee and a chat in person, think about the value of your time. Is it worth two to three hours or 20-30 minutes? The choice is yours.

A Real Pro Uses Good Grammar

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Screen shot 2015-03-02 at 3.49.01 PMOne of the most powerful tools that positions you as a professional is your command of the English language. That includes use of good grammar in all forms of communication. The next time you submit a resume to a prospective employer, give it one last review before submitting it. Grammatical error is a top reason why candidates do not get invited to an interview. Instead, the resume goes right into the round file.

In celebration of National Grammar Day (today), I encourage you to set aside SpellCheck for just today and challenge yourself to read, review, analyze and pick apart what you have written and see if you can find those nasty grammatical errors without the help of modern technology.

To me, the most offensive grammatical error is the misuse of one of the tiniest words in the English language, its (which includes it’s and its’). I just received a news release from a colleague announcing a milestone event. In the first sentence, there it was, plain as day: “…celebrated it’s anniversary…” Like hearing nails on a chalkboard, my body began convulsing at the mere sight of it.

Professionals today, many of whom are college educated, even with advanced degrees, do not (sadly) know the difference among its, it’s and its’. So let me lay it out for you here once and for all.

It’s: As you learned in elementary school, an apostrophe indicates a contraction, like she’s (she is), isn’t (is not). In the case of it’s, this contraction stands for either it is or it has. Therefore, when you read a sentence and insert the words it is or it has and it does not make sense, then it requires no apostrophe because it is not a contraction. Case in point: My colleague’s news release should have read: …celebrated its anniversary.

Its: As stated above, its is a possessive form, showing ownership, not requiring an apostrophe because the meaning would change to what we’ve covered above. Think of other pronouns showing possession that all end in s, like his, hers, yours, ours.

Its’: Well, this is just plain silly. This does not even exist, so stop using it.

As you can see, there are only two correct solutions: it’s or its. It’s that simple!

With my pet grammatical peeve out of the way, consider the interesting twists and turns built into our language that only you, the composer, can control. Do you know the difference? They’re or their or there. Read or red. Hear or here. Make sure you’re (not your) selecting the correct word or your (not you’re) level of professionalism may slip a few notches. A misplaced apostrophe may seem small, yet it can have huge impact, like not getting a chance to interview for that job you really wanted. Imagine that.

Invite an Outsider In

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openhand“Get outside your comfort zone.” “Push the envelope.” “Be more.”

You have been in conversations or meetings where statements like these were made, reminding you to shake off any complacency. When you apply these commands to your interaction with people, your mindset (hopefully) shifts.

In her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, author Susan Cain reminds us that not every person is socially outgoing. She points out that introverts, while quiet and contemplative, have a lot to contribute. They just may need to be invited into the conversation.

Introverts can often feel like outsiders, especially in a room full of extraverts. Whether you are an introvert or an extravert, take a moment to observe the behavior of your co-workers and clients. Does that person need encouragement or a nudge to share their thoughts and opinions? It could be you who invites that outsider into the conversation. The result could be uncovering some brilliant ideas. It begins with some simple questions:

What are your thoughts about…?

I would like to hear your opinions about…?

Your comments are valuable to me. What information can you share about…?

Initiate a conversation with the other person. If you would like to hear more about a certain topic, simply say, “Tell me more about that” or “Could you explain that to me a little further?”

As you scan the room at an event or a meeting, look for the person who sits on the sidelines, against a wall rather than at the table. Extend an invitation to sit at the table. Open up the space for that person to share her/his voice. Sometimes you need to gently pull someone along with you.

If you are that introvert, challenge yourself to make small changes in your interactions with other people. Those small changes over time will give you the confidence to be more open with your ideas, thoughts and opinions. An example: If you have an idea that is worth sharing, write it on your To Do List to bring it up at the next meeting. Once you get into the habit, you will feel more comfortable with other people and yes, even the extraverts.