honesty | Christine Zust

We’ve all had moments of trepidation when asked difficult, inappropriate or even embarrassing questions. How we respond to those questions is the topic of a recent study released by researchers at the Harvard Business School.

I first heard of the study through a report by Shankar Vedantam, science correspondent for National Public Radio during the February 4, 2016 Morning Edition program, and was intrigued by the study.

Researchers Leslie John, Kate Barasz and Michael Norton of the Harvard Business School explored what happens when we hide or reveal the truth in their paper entitled What Hiding Reveals.

The study shows that a confession is often better received – even welcome – than suppression. The study shows that people do not trust those who hold back, and they actually prefer people who reveal more information, even if it’s “unsavory.” The research team applied the theory to both dating and job interviewing.

The two types of responders are labeled Hider (Withholder) and Revealer. Here’s a brief description:

The Hider (Withholder). The Hider (Withholder) will tell you anything she thinks you want to hear in order to get the job or even a date with you. For example, you may ask her in a job interview what her worst or even least successful course was in college. She may say something positive and perky like, “Oh, I didn’t have any negative experiences in college. My GPA was always above a 3.4.” That may seem to be a logical approach: She wants to make a favorable first impression. However, when the transcripts are reviewed, the interviewer finds that for two semesters, her GPA was below a 3.0. Hmmm… The interviewer may begin wondering, “If she withheld that kind of information, how could I trust her to be forthright if she worked for me?” In that case, it would have been better for the interviewee to be honest.

The Revealer. The Revealer chooses to answer the question in a straightforward way, even if the information being shared may be less than desirable. If you have cheated on your taxes, had a Restraining Order filed by your ex-spouse or padded your expense accounts, you may think people may not want to hear that because it presents you in a negative light. Researchers say your honesty may get you that second interview or even a date. Nearly 80% (78.9%) of survey respondents said they would choose to date the Revealer rather than the Withholder. Think about it. Wouldn’t you like to know that someone had attended Anger Management School before you dated (or hired) him?

Using myself as an example, though never asked the question that the Hider (Withholder) was asked, let me lay it out for you here. My worst college course was a four-hour credit, senior-level International Law course that I decided to take during summer school between my sophomore and junior year (yep…in just five weeks). I was not a political science major nor had I taken any lower level poli sci courses before. Tsk Tsk. While I am not proud of the D that I earned in that course, it taught me a very important lesson in life: Go with your gut reaction. When your gut says, “Don’t do it,” listen to your gut!

The bottom line: Sharing builds trust. So when I ask the question, “Do these pants make me look fat?” please be honest with me!

Part 8 in a series on professionalism.

Criteria 8: Honest: Communicates openly, has no hidden agenda.

Years ago a wise mentor advised me, “Be honest and tell the truth, and you’ll never have to remember any untruths you have told people. The more you spin a web of lies, the more it will entangle you.” That was solid advice.

In my workshops, I ask participants to list their top three to five core values. I also ask them to consider how they live those values each day and how they communicate them to others. Invariably, a few people in the group will identify honesty as a top core value. When your behavior is aligned with your core values, you are presenting your most authentic self. When they are out of alignment, you present yourself as someone who is not true to the self.

There is much to consider when speaking honestly. You can either be honest or brutally honest. An honest person chooses words carefully, speaks with grace and kindness and considers the culture, environment or another person’s feelings. A brutally honest person doesn’t care about words or feelings; the goal is to tell it like it is.

There are different requests made of honesty.

Honest Opinion: What do you do when someone asks for your honest opinion? Since an opinion is subjective, speak to any level of opinion that makes you – and the other person – feel comfortable. Then it’s a win/win.

Example:

“Do these pants make me look fat?”

Response: “In my opinion, they accentuate your curves.” (The brutally honest person would say, “Yes, they make you look fat because you are fat!”)

Be Honest: “Be honest with me. Am I qualified for that job?”

Response: “Let’s review the position description and compare it to your qualifications. Then we’ll look at all of the facts and discuss anything else that either you or I know about the position.” (The brutally honest person would say something like, “Are you crazy? What makes you think you’re qualified for that job? No, I absolutely don’t think you’re qualified.”)

Straight Talk: “Give it to me straight. Don’t mince words. I can take it.”

Response: “What are you most interested in? What specifically would you like me to share?” You have to decide if the person really can take it, and how much. (The brutally honest person never needs permission to give anyone straight talk; it comes with the territory.)

Being honest requires some courage, especially when discussing controversial or delicate topics. One contemporary figure who is refreshingly honest is Pope Francis. When sharing his thoughts, ideas and opinions honestly, they come from a place of grace and integrity.

What would greater honesty bring to your work relationships? Your personal relationships?