Author Archives: admin

Do You Trick or Treat?

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TrickOrTreatThat favorite annual holiday – Halloween – is upon us. It got me thinking about how in our everyday lives we are capable of either tricking or treating others. Which do you do?

Trick

Do you trick people into thinking you are someone who you are not? Do you deliberately put on airs and misrepresent yourself to others? It’s time to take a long, hard look at yourself, and understand why you do this. Reveal your true authentic self for others to see.

Do you trick yourself into believing that you are not worthy? When you suffer from The Imposter Syndrome, you trick yourself into thinking that you are not as good as you really are and you are afraid that others will find out you’re not as good as they think you are. It’s time for a reality check and focus on feeling good about yourself and feeling worthy.

Do you trick others by compromising quality or taking short cuts? When you give 100% of yourself and do quality work, you demonstrate your integrity and gain credibility in the process.

Do you serve up tricks by being light hearted and funny? See? Not all tricks are bad. There are good tricks as well. When you can laugh at yourself and help others to laugh too, people will appreciate your sense of humor.

Treat

Do you treat all people equally, with dignity and respect? This simple act makes a big difference in how others see you. The dignity and respect you show to them will come back to you ten-fold.

Do you treat other people like they are more important than you? When you let others shine and support them in their dreams and aspirations, you are putting their needs before yours. It positions you as someone who cares.

How often do you treat others? I mean really treat them? Whether it’s giving a server a slightly bigger tip, giving a gift to someone just because you felt like it, or picking up the tab every once in a while for no reason, you are letting your benevolence shine.

As you participate in the festivities of Halloween this year, think about the “tricks” or “treats” that you are doling out. How can you treat others like they have value?

The Value of Volunteering

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helping-hand-435x290Many companies today have created a culture of caring through community volunteerism. Whether raising funds for important research to cure a disease, teaching children how to read or building a home for a family in need, your involvement enhances the company’s visibility as a community leader. Your volunteer efforts  benefit you in two ways: You gain valuable experience in leadership, communication and stewardship and your hard work positions you well within the company as a team player and engaged employee.

In my case, everything I learned about leadership I learned through volunteer activities. I learned how to:

  • Understand group dynamics by working on committees
  • Supervise others
  • Delegate work
  • Work well with people from diverse backgrounds
  • Advance in the organization and accept responsibilities along the way
  • Negotiate
  • Think critically and creativity
  • Reach the top of the organization (as board president)
  • Inspire and motivate others
  • Share a vision with others
  • Develop a strategic plan for the future
  • Take responsibility for my work
  • Read and understand financial information
  • Plan and execute large projects

I learned all of these skills as a volunteer. Now, you may ask, “Didn’t you learn anything on the job?” Yes, of course, I did. Yet when it came to leadership skills, I learned them more rapidly through my volunteer commitments. An organization that relies on its volunteers isn’t going to fire its volunteers, so there is nothing stopping you from being your best and brightest. As a volunteer, the sky is the limit!

My experience of managing events as a volunteer committee chairperson came in handy when I had to manage large-scale events in my career. As a volunteer, you can learn and make mistakes. When it comes time for you to use those skills in your job, you will sail through any assignment. Because I experienced being a leader first as a volunteer, it was more valuable to me than reading leadership books. When working with volunteers, understand that they are already self-motivated when they volunteer (they know they are not getting paid for their time or ideas). To keep them motivated, make sure that their talents and skills are being used, not under-used, and recognized. Place them in positions where they can thrive.

What do you want to learn? What cause can you get involved in? The choice is yours. You can use your talents and skills to be in service to a community that needs you.

What volunteer opportunities in the community are being offered by your company that would give you greater responsibility and teach you new skills?

What other volunteer assignments could you introduce your company to, which would elevate your company’s visibility in the community?

Advocates Offer Support

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Hand-Balance-1-285x300In your life, there are individuals who know you, care about you and want you to succeed. These admirers are your  advocates, people who speak on your behalf, not because you ask them to but because they believe in you and want you to succeed. They are the ones who tell other people how gifted or talented you are, how you would be perfect for a job or position or would be a great addition to a board of directors. Many of my advocates are responsible for my career success. Because of them, I was recommended for – and landed – several jobs and board positions.

Years ago, I received a call from a professional woman who was also my mentor. She had been at dinner the evening before with a man who was looking for a marketing director and company spokesperson. When he asked if she knew anyone who was qualified for the job, she immediately said, “I know the perfect person.” The next day the man who would later become my boss called me, and I ended up working six years for that company. I didn’t ask my mentor to help me find a job. She recommended me because she believed in me and wanted to see me succeed. You see, my mentor had seen me in action, and was familiar with my work style and the quality of my work.

A young woman who I have watched grow in her career for more than 20 years shared her story with me. When I first met her, she was just 18 and had accepted a position with a nonprofit organization as an administrative assistant. She was working her way through college. She had a positive attitude and engaging personality and loved working with people. Several years later, she left that position to work in the Human Resources Department of a large corporation. She had found her career passion.

Early on, she shared with her boss a future goal: To become head of the department. He told her what she would have to do, and said that it would require obtaining experience at one of their out of state plants before moving up within corporate headquarters. When such a position became available, she was the first person he approached. She accepted the position and happily worked her way up through the corporate ranks. It didn’t happen by accident, of course. This boss of hers was her advocate. He believed in her and wanted her to succeed. When the position became available, he knew the “perfect person.”

As you move through your life and career, identify who your greatest advocates are. Keep in contact with them so when greater opportunities become available, they will think of you. Let your intentions become known. You just might receive a call, text or email from your advocate who thought you were that perfect person.

What are you doing to keep in contact with your greatest advocates on a regular basis? How are you letting your intentions become known?

A Life Well Lived…and Celebrated

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MatkaValleyLegacyLast week, my 93-year-old mother was included among 24 outstanding seniors and 5 senior advocates honored for exemplary community contributions and lifetime achievements in my hometown area. As each honoree’s name was called, a brief biographical description captured the essence of that person’s interests and passions in both life and career. Every individual being honored was a dedicated volunteer and activist. As I listened with great intensity, I was reminded that we can either choose to remain passive or become actively engaged in the direction and purpose of our life.
The comment made by a retired veteran and amputee who happened to be one of the top five award recipients stuck with me. In a strong New York borough accent, he said, “You just gotta do whatcha gotta do.” This is what his comment means to me:

Do what you want to do. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something. When you do what you want to do, you are unstoppable. Nothing and no one can stand in the way of your success and achievements.

Believe that you can do it. It didn’t matter whether someone volunteered with children, landscaped a local park or helped to feed the hungry, they all believed that they could contribute their talents and skills to the cause.

Put your best effort into everything you do. None of the honorees struck me as the highly competitive type, who just wanted to rack up points for popularity. Giving their best was ingrained in their DNA. They gave only their best to everything they did, whether at home, at work, or in their community.

Serve others and serve yourself well. There is no greater joy in life than contributing to another person’s well-being and success. Teaching English to a new immigrant or serving meals at the local shelter, no matter what you do, when you do it for others, it makes you feel good about yourself and what you are able to give.

Inspire others. Your actions will do more to inspire others than you could ever imagine. When I left the luncheon, my heart was full, and I was inspired to do more and give more of myself to others.

Fast forward a few decades. Imagine that you are a senior in your 60s, 70s, 80s or even 90s, being honored for your lifetime achievements. What will they say about you? Return to today: What can you give of your talents and skills to others between now and then?

Data Lost and Found

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big-dataIn August, I said farewell to my beloved data…the more than 1,900 photos along with a handful of video and audio recordings I had captured since purchasing my iPhone four years ago. In a flash, they vanished from my phone. It was not easy to say goodbye to these visual and auditory recordings of my life for the past four years. I found myself expressing a full range of emotions: First, confusion and perplexity (How could this happen in the Digital Age?), then anger and frustration (Who can I punch?) then, surprisingly, graceful acceptance (There is nothing more to do, so get over it and move on).

Here’s how it happened. I had asked my husband, Mark, to load some music onto my cell phone so I could enjoy it when I travel. When he connected my phone (older technology) with his computer (newer technology), my phone locked. He and our IT guy tried every way to retrieve my data. Finally, they delivered the bad news: “We’re going to have to restore your phone, which means all of your data will be lost. There’s nothing more we can do. Your data wasn’t backed up. You’re just going to have to accept it.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How was this possible? Surely something could be done, right? Still, I remained hopeful throughout the whole ordeal. “Maybe my data is hidden in the phone somewhere.” “Maybe it got locked in some secret area.” I kept hoping and praying that it would show up somewhere. I remained hopeful.

Then something amazing happened. I realized that those photos meant something to me and weren’t necessarily of interest or importance to anyone other than me. They were part of my lived experience. I still had the memory of the places I had visited, the friends and family I had seen. They were still there in my mind’s eye. I could call them up anytime I wanted to. Out of this realization came acceptance. I finally said to myself, “Well, I learned my lesson. Always back up my photos.”

This experience took me back to one I had in my early 20s. I had borrowed my Dad’s Ford Mustang as my car was being fixed. When a friend and I returned from being out all day, we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building and realized my Dad’s car was gone. It had been stolen. When I called my parents, in tears, to share the bad news, my Dad said, “It’s just a car. We’re glad that you’re okay and nothing happened to you.” From that moment on, I looked at material possessions very differently.

After experiencing the loss of the data on my phone, my husband suggested I replace my old iPhone with a newer iPhone. I was skeptical at first. In the back of my mind, I became curious: I wonder what will happen to my photos. Will they stay locked in my phone forever?

Mark handed me my new iPhone with a smile. “Check this out,” he said. I immediately saw the vast number of photos in my photo gallery – more than 1,900 – and quickly began scanning the remnants of my life for the past four years. “How did you find these?” My husband said, “You’re welcome.” He was able to transfer all of my photos to my new phone. As it turned out, they had not been lost, simply misplaced.

Sometimes we have to have that breakthrough moment – of acceptance – before we can move forward in our lives. What do you need to accept in your life so you can move on? Little did I know that once I accepted the loss of my data, it would reappear. And yes, of course, those photos are now backed up!

Audible Sound Speaks Volumes

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Gidget+GizmoBertoia

Gidget + Gizmo

A few weeks ago, I took our two cats, Gidget and Gizmo, to a new veterinarian for their shots and grooming. As I described each cat’s personality and disposition to the doctor, I heard an audible sound: “Hmmmmm…” What caught my attention was his tone. It was audible enough for me to hear (loud) and extended (long). It started higher and ended on a low note. “Hmmmmm…” It wasn’t just the sound…it was how it sounded to me. He continued making this sound several times within a matter of minutes. The sound seemed to be made at almost an unconscious rather than conscious level. Translation: I had some concerns. Did I bring my cats to the right vet? Could he help them? Was he reluctant to perform the tasks I was paying him for?

It’s not just what you say…it’s how you say it that conveys attitude and feeling. In his research and 1981 book, Silent Messages, noted communication scholar Albert Mehrabian reported that people convey feelings and attitudes in face-to-face communication through three main components: words, tone of voice and nonverbal behavior (like facial expressions). Mehrabian further described how important it is that your verbal (words) and nonverbal (tone of voice and facial expressions) language are congruent, or aligned, to accurately convey the message you intend. When there is incongruence between the verbal and nonverbal, people will turn to or trust the nonverbal behavior for meaning.

This brings me back to my experience with the vet. His tone conveyed to me messages like “I’m not sure about this.” “I’m a little concerned.” “Let me think this over before we do anything.” Although he didn’t say a word, my interpretation of his underlying message came through his tone of voice, audible exhaling and his facial expressions, like furrowed brows, pursed lips and squinted eyes.

Do a quick self-assessment of your verbal and nonverbal communication to make sure you are sending the right messages:

Are you unconsciously (or consciously) using audible sounds as you convey messages to others?

What message does your tone convey?

Are you sending mixed messages?

Is your verbal and nonverbal language congruent to ensure clear meaning?

Elevate Your Visibility

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market-visibilityHow visible are you? Visibility gets you noticed by others. If you received a job offer, got a promotion, or just landed a huge account with a new client, it happened because you were visible; people know about your skills and talents. Your level of visibility helps to position you. Even if you are a quiet, mild-mannered individual who plays more of a behind-the-scenes role, your actions still position you in the minds of others.

Consider most political campaigns. What is an underlying theme? What is the strategy to boost visibility? What specific markets are being targeted, such as senior citizens, women, religious groups, new parents, educators or Blue Collar workers? If you follow any political campaign, its success is often measured by how visibile the candidate is in certain markets (or states), which of course translates into a certain percentage of votes.

What kind of campaign would you launch to improve your visibility? Here are a few examples: If you want to become better known in your business community, expand your business contacts across diverse industries or attend highly visible community events. If you want to be considered for a board position in a prestigious organization, begin by volunteering to serve on a committee, then chair the committee, and work your way up in the organization. If you want to  become a leader within your company, ask for and accept  more challenging project work. One of the easiest ways to enhance your visibility is to let people know you are interested. That way, when a greater opportunity comes along, they will think of you. Don’t passively wait for the telephone to ring. If you want something, let people know you want it! Here are a few questions to jump-start your thinking:

How visible are you?

How can your improve your visibility?

What specific strategies can you put in place to elevate your visibility?

Lessons From Joan Rivers

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joan_rivers_televisionShe had us in stitches for decades with her signature phrases like “Can we talk?” and “Oh, you don’t know!” With the recent passing of Joan Rivers, people are learning much more about the feisty blonde from Brooklyn. Behind every jab or zinger was a woman who truly loved life, warts and all. In fact, it was the warts that were the most memorable. Through it all were some simple life lessons. Here are just a few.

Politeness doesn’t pay. What did pay was her uncanny ability to discuss issues that nobody else would dare to talk about. Whether it was talking about a specific body part or fabricating a news flash, she would find a way to deliver her signature humor with great confidence and chutzpah. No topic was taboo to her.

Be an original. We hear a lot about the importance of authenticity and being yourself. Some of it is just babble. With Joan Rivers, she was the real deal. She not only walked the talk. She had swagger. While she attended a prestigious private college, she was the very antithesis of that lifestyle. There was nothing about her that was snooty or unapproachable. She didn’t put on airs. She was real.

Don’t take yourself too seriously. She encountered tremendous highs and lows in her life and in her career. She learned from life’s lessons and became the Queen of Self-Deprecating Humor. She reminded us all to laugh our way through life, to laugh at ourselves and to not take ourselves too seriously. I can hear her saying, “Oh, get over yourself!”

Do what you love and do it well. She felt most comfortable in front of an audience. It gave her tremendous energy and joy. She poured herself into everything she did. It didn’t matter what Joan did – stand-up comedy, (first female) late night talk show host, red carpet television critic, reality TV diva, Fashion Police TV show host or selling her fashion merchandise on QVC – she gave it her all and did it well.

Work hard, and smell those roses. It is well known throughout the comedy industry that Joan Rivers possessed an amazing work ethic. She worked hard. She also made time for her family. She worked side by side with her daughter, Melissa, as co-star in their reality show and as producer/co-producer in television ventures. She cherished her grandson and her close friends and always found time to have a conversation.

Be young at heart. When Joan Rivers won The Celebrity Apprentice 2 a few years back, she proved an important point: No matter what age you are, you can accomplish anything you set out to do. She ran circles around people half her age.

Small (just 5’2″) and mighty, Joan Rivers was a pathfinder for women and for female comics. No one will ever replace her. She will remain in our hearts forever.

Charlie Chaplin said, “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” Thankfully, Joan Rivers never wasted a day.

 

 

 

E is for Energize Yourself

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Part 7 in this B-A-L-A-N-C-E Your Life Series.

Cradle of lightHave you ever felt like you could not take one step further, do one more task, because you didn’t have the energy to do it? Part of living a balanced life is knowing when to listen to your body when it is hinting – or screaming – that you need to take a break and recharge yourself.

How you get your energy has a lot to do with your psychological type. The work of noted Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung and later the mother-daughter team Catharine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers, co-creators of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) revealed that we humans get our energy in two different ways. Extraverts who are more outgoing and talkative get their energy from other people and being out in the world. In fact, if they go for a day or two without contact with other people, they feel like they are missing something. Conversely, introverts who tend to be more solitary or isolated re-energize themselves by not being around other people as much. Instead, they choose to find a quiet place for reflection, reading, contemplation or meditation. Introverts are the ones who will frequently say “I’m peopled out and I need some peace and quiet.”

What is the source of your energy? How to you re-energize yourself when you are running on empty? You will know if you are an introvert or extravert by identifying where your energy comes from.

For extraverts, when you need to re-energize, you may throw a party, invite a friend or friends to dinner, take a vacation that includes group activities, like taking a cruise or tour. For introverts, when you need to re-energize, you may take a quiet walk on the beach in the early morning, schedule a self-organized retreat or enjoy a relaxing massage (with no conversation from the massotherapist, of course).

I know what you’re thinking. What if… What if the person you live with, work with or are best friends with is the exact opposite of you? This requires meeting each other halfway and finding a mutually acceptable way to co-exist. Extraverts are the true energizer bunnies. They can go on and on forever. They may not understand why an introvert wants to go back to the room to get freshened up or even take a nap. It’s up to you – whether extravert or introvert – to educate your pals, co-workers and co-habitants what you need to feel balanced. In the end, you will feel better and your friends will be glad you opened up the conversation on the topic.

Have you encountered moments in your life when you had to use lots of energy from your reserves? You were moving into a new house (and became “Super Cleaner Person” for the weekend). You assisted a loved one who was going through the loss of a loved one (and you turned into a 24/7 service person, doing everything from cooking and cleaning to consoling and even running errands). When you got through that period of time, you said to yourself in amazement, “How did I do that?” or “I don’t know where that energy came from…I just did it.” When these experiences come into your life, what moves you through that space and time is intentional energy focus. You are focused on making it through that period by doing whatever it takes. You can adopt this mindset and become more intentional about how you are using your energy each day.

How you move your energy affects your sense of well-being. Every living thing possesses energy or “chi” as it’s called in Eastern traditions. Depending on how you are living your life, your energy is either flowing or is blocked. When your energy is flowing, you feel alive, at peace, connected and everything you do feels almost effortless. You’re “in the groove” of life. On the other hand, when your energy is blocked, you can feel out of balance, conflicted, anxious or frustrated. For every step you take forward, you feel like you are taking ten backwards. Nothing in your life has a rhythm or flow to it. When you recognize this, you can focus on unblocking the barriers and get your energy flowing again. A popular way to move energy through the body is through frequent yoga practice. You don’t have to be an advanced yoga practitioner to obtain health benefits from this ancient tradition. Begin as you would any course – as a beginner – and gradually work your way towards proficiency. An excellent source for helpful articles on yoga and energy work is the Yoga Journal. You may also turn to professionals in your area who are certified to do energy work to help you unblock those barriers.

When you encounter obstacles or barriers that interrupt your energy flow, take the time to ask yourself “What do I need to do to re-energize myself?” and “How can I give my mind, body and spirit the energy needed so that I can prolong my sense of well-being?” Listen to your body. It’s always right.

C is for Connect

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Part  6 in this B-A-L-A-N-C-E Your Life Series.

The Creation of Man by Michelangelo Sistine ChapelThe age-old question, “Why am I here?” can be answered with one simple response: To connect…with all living beings. Balance can be found by exploring the external world around you and also the internal world through your thinking and self-expression. The value of deep connection with all living beings ranks among the top pleasures in my life. Sharing a stimulating conversation with a good friend. Serving a family member in need of support. Snuggling with a loyal pet. Here are four ways that you can connect with the world:

Connect to Others. When you connect with others on a deep – not a superficial – level, it helps you to see the world from a broader perspective. Some of my longtime relationships began with a chance meeting which led to an open conversation. I am the person I am today because of the hundreds of people I have met on my life’s journey. Whether they were strangers whom I met on an airplane or people who I met at a business event, there was a magic moment in time and space that we shared in deep conversation. Who is waiting to share a similar moment with you?

Connect Others to Each Other. Some people are born matchmakers who love to introduce people to each other. They see some commonality that the two people share, like the same profession, personal interest or hobby. When you connect people to each other, it positions you as someone who cares about others’ interests, not just your own. The best part of bringing people together is to see what comes of that connection. Were other introductions made? Was a job position filled? Or did a lifelong friendship begin? To think…it all started with you thinking of how certain people needed to meet each other. Who can you connect to each other?

Connect to Nature. If you spend most of your days indoors, take the time – even if it’s just five minutes – to get outside and “get back to nature” as the saying goes. You may live in the concrete jungle, yet, it is not your natural state. Nature naturally strips away any manmade facade and presents itself in its simplest form of beauty. Whether enjoying a simple act like feeling the breeze on your skin or experiencing a moment of spectacular beauty like a double rainbow, from simple to sublime, nature anchors you in the present moment. It reminds you how awe-inspiring nature is. How can you connect with nature each day?

Connect to Yourself. “I feel so disconnected from my life” is a frequent comment made by people trying to keep up with life’s hectic pace. Is that even possible to be disconnected from your own life when you are the one who’s living it? What you feel is a lack of control over what is happening in your life. How do you change that and feel more connected? Invest the time in yourself every day, even if it’s taking just five to ten minutes, to reflect on where you are and what you need right now. When you take the time to connect to yourself, it will help to keep your life in balance. How can you find that deeper connection to yourself?

Imagine that you are interviewing yourself. What reflective questions would you ask yourself? Here are a few starters:

How am I feeling right now?

What is causing me to feel that way?

What would I have to do to feel like I am more in control of my life?

What’s taking up too much time in my life right now that keeps me out of balance?

What type of support network do I need to help me with smaller tasks that eat up too much of my time?

What minor adjustments could I make to feel more in control and balanced in my life?

Now that you are getting the hang of it, add some of your own questions and have that conversation with yourself. You may experience some mini revelations that could lead you closer to living a balanced life.