Category Archives: Communication

The Age of the Sage

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1MomSmallThis week, my Mom turned 94. You heard me right…94! So far, she has outlived her husband by six years. She has outlived her mother by nine years. She has outlived every friend that she had from her younger days. And yet, she is as young at heart, interested and curious about the world as people half her age.

During the holidays at this time of year, people often ask “What are you thankful for?” For me, I am thankful for fully enjoying my mother in her twilight years. When I was younger, I didn’t give age much thought. My parents were simply my parents, always there for me, helping me when I needed help and supporting whatever I wanted to do with my life.Now, it’s time for me to be there for my Mom, to help and support her in the many things that she still wants to do at her age.

As an artist, my Mom is still painting and entering her paintings in local art exhibitions. As a cook and baker, she is still cooking and baking for herself and (thank goodness) for others who marvel at the fact that her culinary skills are in tact. As an avid reader, she reads every day – library books, magazines and of course her daily mail. As a faithful person, she says her prayers and rosary each morning, attends church every week and supports every special fund there is. As a natural caregiver, she thoughtfully provides and delivers meals to friends and family who are  recovering from surgery or experiencing the loss of a loved one. As the family matriarch, she knows everyone’s birthday or anniversary, and has a card ready to go in the mail when those important days come. When she hears of the upcoming arrival of a baby, she immediately gets busy knitting or crocheting a baby blanket.

My Mom is part of the “greatest” generation who grew up with traditional values of family, faith, honesty, loyalty and hard work. Each day, we lose thousands of this generation, and with them we lose their stories, their traditions and their caring nature. That’s why I am enjoying every minute with my Mom.

What sages are in your life that you can take the time to get to know better, to serve, or help? A parent? A grandparent? An aunt or uncle? A neighbor? A former teacher? Their history and experiences could enrich your life. Start the conversation today.

Please, Thank You and You’re Welcome

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thankyou1-424-x-283Three simple polite expressions are missing from our culture these days: Saying “Please,” “Thank You” and “You’re Welcome.” Yet, these statements are so simple to say. They don’t require any extra energy…just some thought. For me, being polite became rote from the time I was a child. My parents taught me well.

There is a distinct difference between “Pass the peas” and “Please pass the peas.” Adding “please” adapts a command to a request and extends a common courtesy to the other person.

I recently facilitated a training program for a client. As I was distributing a handout for a special assignment, a participant said, “Thank you.” I stopped and said, “Thank you for saying thank you.” She replied, “You’re welcome.” She was taught well.

While visiting a longtime friend, her ten-year-old daughter said, “Thank you.” A few minutes later when I thanked her, she said “You’re welcome.” Her mother taught her well.

There was a time when exchanged pleasantries like these were common place. They were part of our cultural norm. We gave them no thought because everyone had been taught Manners 101. I long for those days when people extended simple courtesies to one another.

While attending a meeting recently, I ran into a man who I hadn’t seen for more than 20 years. He said he would like to get together some time to talk about getting into the kind of business I am in. Then he said, “Do you have a minute to sit and talk now?” We sat down. One hour later, after presenting a great deal of useful information to him, I wrapped up our conversation. He said he appreciated my time and gleaned many good ideas from our time together. A few days passed. A week, two weeks passed. Nothing happened. He never sent a simple thank you email. He sent me no handwritten thank you note. He never extended a small gesture of any kind. What is an hour of someone else’s time worth when you are on the receiving end of valuable information that will shorten your learning curve? To me, it’s worth – at minimum – a follow-up thank you of some kind.

How often do you add “Please,” “Thank You” and “You’re Welcome” to your everyday conversations? When someone goes above and beyond and delivers real value to you, what could you do to show your appreciation? Consider doing something more. At minimum, a simple thank you email or note positions you well. Giving a $10 Starbucks card to someone who has helped you somehow goes a long way in positioning you as a thoughtful, grateful person who valued that time spent together.

Do You Trick or Treat?

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TrickOrTreatThat favorite annual holiday – Halloween – is upon us. It got me thinking about how in our everyday lives we are capable of either tricking or treating others. Which do you do?

Trick

Do you trick people into thinking you are someone who you are not? Do you deliberately put on airs and misrepresent yourself to others? It’s time to take a long, hard look at yourself, and understand why you do this. Reveal your true authentic self for others to see.

Do you trick yourself into believing that you are not worthy? When you suffer from The Imposter Syndrome, you trick yourself into thinking that you are not as good as you really are and you are afraid that others will find out you’re not as good as they think you are. It’s time for a reality check and focus on feeling good about yourself and feeling worthy.

Do you trick others by compromising quality or taking short cuts? When you give 100% of yourself and do quality work, you demonstrate your integrity and gain credibility in the process.

Do you serve up tricks by being light hearted and funny? See? Not all tricks are bad. There are good tricks as well. When you can laugh at yourself and help others to laugh too, people will appreciate your sense of humor.

Treat

Do you treat all people equally, with dignity and respect? This simple act makes a big difference in how others see you. The dignity and respect you show to them will come back to you ten-fold.

Do you treat other people like they are more important than you? When you let others shine and support them in their dreams and aspirations, you are putting their needs before yours. It positions you as someone who cares.

How often do you treat others? I mean really treat them? Whether it’s giving a server a slightly bigger tip, giving a gift to someone just because you felt like it, or picking up the tab every once in a while for no reason, you are letting your benevolence shine.

As you participate in the festivities of Halloween this year, think about the “tricks” or “treats” that you are doling out. How can you treat others like they have value?

Audible Sound Speaks Volumes

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Gidget + Gizmo

A few weeks ago, I took our two cats, Gidget and Gizmo, to a new veterinarian for their shots and grooming. As I described each cat’s personality and disposition to the doctor, I heard an audible sound: “Hmmmmm…” What caught my attention was his tone. It was audible enough for me to hear (loud) and extended (long). It started higher and ended on a low note. “Hmmmmm…” It wasn’t just the sound…it was how it sounded to me. He continued making this sound several times within a matter of minutes. The sound seemed to be made at almost an unconscious rather than conscious level. Translation: I had some concerns. Did I bring my cats to the right vet? Could he help them? Was he reluctant to perform the tasks I was paying him for?

It’s not just what you say…it’s how you say it that conveys attitude and feeling. In his research and 1981 book, Silent Messages, noted communication scholar Albert Mehrabian reported that people convey feelings and attitudes in face-to-face communication through three main components: words, tone of voice and nonverbal behavior (like facial expressions). Mehrabian further described how important it is that your verbal (words) and nonverbal (tone of voice and facial expressions) language are congruent, or aligned, to accurately convey the message you intend. When there is incongruence between the verbal and nonverbal, people will turn to or trust the nonverbal behavior for meaning.

This brings me back to my experience with the vet. His tone conveyed to me messages like “I’m not sure about this.” “I’m a little concerned.” “Let me think this over before we do anything.” Although he didn’t say a word, my interpretation of his underlying message came through his tone of voice, audible exhaling and his facial expressions, like furrowed brows, pursed lips and squinted eyes.

Do a quick self-assessment of your verbal and nonverbal communication to make sure you are sending the right messages:

Are you unconsciously (or consciously) using audible sounds as you convey messages to others?

What message does your tone convey?

Are you sending mixed messages?

Is your verbal and nonverbal language congruent to ensure clear meaning?

Be an Experience Creator

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BlondeGirlExcitedOf the many roles that you play in your life, did you know that you can also play the role of Experience Creator? What is an Experience Creator, you ask? Let me create two scenarios for you. Imagine this:

Scenario One: You arrive at the office with your espresso latte in one hand and briefcase in the other. You want to get to your desk quickly so you can check to see if the meeting time you requested with the Regional Vice President is a go. You have worked really hard on this project and are eager to share your thoughts with the RVP. All you can think about is your ideas. You are focused on those ideas, almost obsessed about them. You can’t get them out of your head. As you breeze into the office, so focused, and so determined to get to your desk, you don’t hear it, you don’t see it and you don’t experience it: The cheerful “Good morning!” from your department assistant. In fact, every morning you are so focused on what you are thinking that you miss her hellos. That simple “Good morning” that she shares with you every day is her way of being an Experience Creator. An Experience Creator creates a positive, even memorable, experience for other people.

What is the result of your not acknowledging the assistant’s greeting every morning? She thinks you don’t like her. In fact, she shares with one of your co-workers that she thinks you don’t like her. “She adores you,” your co-worker replies. Your co-worker decides to share this important piece of information with you because she thinks it’s something you need to know. She’s right. You are so appreciative that she shared this information with you that you vow to make a change the next day.

Scenario Two: You arrive at the office with your usual espresso latte in one hand and briefcase in the other. You pause before you enter the building. You take a deep breath and consciously feel the air entering your body. As you walk, you are aware of everything around you. As you enter your department, you make it a point to stop at your department administrative assistant’s desk, smile and say, “Good morning, Haley!” Now you are the Experience Creator.

Think about the many people who you come in contact with on a daily basis. Customers. Co-workers. Friends. What kind of experience you are creating for them? Is it positive or negative? Are you friendly or guarded? When you remind yourself that you are an Experience Creator, it will completely change how you see others and ultimately how you see yourself. When you create a positive experience for others, it positions you as a professional who cares.

Practice saying this new mantra each day: “I am an Experience Creator!”

M370: A Deeper Message Went Missing

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PuzzleEarthEvery day since March 8, the unexplained disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 was featured as the top news story on every major network. Experts from every industry and background were called upon for their thoughts, opinions and speculations about what could have happened. Expertise came from the fields of aeronautics, aviation, meteorology, oceanography, geography, security, terrorism. Yet one area of expertise was missing: intercultural communication.

For me, the aha moment came eleven days into the search for the vanished airplane. The media reported that on that day, officials from Thailand brought forward an important piece of information about a signal that had been detected within their air space. When asked why this information had not been shared earlier, Thai officials simply responded, “No one asked us.” The viewing audience must have been shocked to hear this. However, I understood the deeper meaning behind those words. I have travelled to Thailand. It is a beautiful country with beautiful people. As a culture, they do not draw attention to themselves, and they have a high respect for authority. It made sense to me that they would not come forward without being asked first.

Throughout the extensive media coverage, there were no conversations about the challenge of working with 26 different countries who were involved in solving this mystery. Whether actively involved in the search by land or by sea or being within the speculated flight path. the countries involved in this mission have vast cultural differences.

Westerners watched in disbelief as a Chinese man kicked a news videographer’s equipment out of frustration and deep grief after being told that the latest evidence revealed that the plane went down in the vast Indian Ocean, even though there was no solid physical evidence as proof. This action taught a lesson about the differences between high context and low context cultures. Respect is a national value within China. With media descending upon the victims’ families in a photo-taking frenzy within this highly sensitive moment, no respect was shown to the Chinese families. High context and low context culture (also known as the iceberg model) is the work of Edward T. Hall, an American anthropologist who created the field of intercultural communication. China is a high context culture, where communication is less verbally explicit. This means that shoving a microphone in someone’s face, seeking a reaction to the loss of a loved one (in a public venue, no less) is an affront to that culture.

Dutch social psychologist Geert Hofstede, the founder of comparative intercultural research, created the cultural dimensions theory that recognized that people differ across cultures in specific dimensions of values. His brilliant scholarly research began when he worked for IBM in the 1960s. His work can be found on the website, www.geert-hofstede.com. He is one of the foremost authorities in intercultural communication alive in the world today. Yet no one called him for an interview.

Amidst the large story of reporting the day-to-day findings of this horrific event, another story angle was completely missed. To me, M370 provides a fascinating case study in intercultural communication and how countries that are culturally diverse can find a way to work together to accomplish one common mission.

Events like this remind us that we are indeed part of a global society. To maneuver our way through this vast, unknown area, we must honor and respect our cultural differences. When we learn from the experience, we must pass on our knowledge so that others can learn.

Connect Across the Generations

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DMSA2014

Courtney & Christine connecting

I recently found myself in an interesting position: Being the oldest person at my table at a professional organization’s awards event. Surrounding me were young professionals and college students in their 20s and 30s. As a Baby Boomer, I could have easily told myself “I don’t have anything in common with these young people.” That’s not my style. Instead, I considered it an opportunity to engage in stimulating conversation.

My conversation partner for the evening, Courtney, is a college senior majoring in marketing management/supply chain and a scholarship recipient. As we shared information during dinner, I was struck by her poised professionalism, intelligence and ambition. What impressed me the most: She is completing her fifth internship. That’s right. Fifth. With each internship experience, she has expanded her knowledge about different industries and marketing/supply chain functions.

I couldn’t help but recall some of the people who have participated in my communication workshops over the years. While discussing generational communication, invariably someone would say, “Generation Y has a sense of entitlement” or “That generation hasn’t had to work for anything…everything has been handed to them.” I wished those people could have been sitting with Courtney and me that evening. They would not have been so quick to judge her or her generation.

When you have an opportunity to converse with someone who is a generation or two younger than you, consider these simple tips:

Respect. When you show respect to another person, it will come right back to you.

Open your mind. Approach the conversation openly; don’t be judgmental. All too often, people make false assumptions about young people.

Listen. Really listen to their life experience. What is different for them? When it comes down to it, is there really that much difference between what they want out of their life and career than you did at that age? You had dreams once, didn’t you? Hopefully you still do.

Be interesting and interested. Keep the conversation moving between the two of you by being interested in what the other person is saying and by adding value to the conversation. Courtney was equally as interested in me, curious about my career path and life. We kept the conversation balanced throughout dinner.

Be open to new ideas. As I struggled to focus and snap our “selfie” with one hand, Courtney showed me how to use the volume button on the side of my iPhone to snap the picture. Brilliant! I welcomed the new approach.

I have mentored many young people throughout my career and will continue to do so. Anything that I can do to help launch their careers or provide guidance, I am willing to do. Courtney and I are now connected through LinkedIn and I anticipate great news and achievements in the months and years to come.

I learned a great deal about Courtney, her background, interests and dreams because we engaged in meaningful dialogue. What can you learn from someone who is younger than you? How can you open your mind and be fully receptive to the experience? How can you be supportive of their hopes and dreams?

Have a Conversation With Your Audience

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GasStationYou are about to deliver that big presentation: A sales pitch to a client, a status meeting with the board of directors or a keynote speech at an industry conference. You think it’s a good idea to write a script and memorize it. Not so fast! Let’s think this through. When you find yourself in that position of creating and delivering an important presentation, remember one thing: Have a conversation with your audience.

One-on-one or small group conversations are never rehearsed; rather, they are delivered impromptu, without any preparation. You give some thought to what you are about to say, and then you speak. The opposite of impromptu is a scripted, rehearsed presentation. If you practice your presentation dozens of times, inserting the same gestures and facial expressions on cue, you could be perceived as too mechanical or disingenuous. Instead, rehearse your presentation enough times so that you remember the key points and any supportive stories, examples or anecdotes. Every time you speak it, the words will slightly change because you are remembering the framework, not a script. You will have a conversation with your audience rather than memorize your script word for word.

Having a conversation with your audience creates greater attention and intimacy. If you were sitting in the audience, would you prefer the speaker talk to you or converse with you? Conversing with your audience brings your material to life and results in more powerful messages and more memorable presentations.

For instance, I could say: While on vacation with my parents in Dubuque at  the age of five, I was accidentally left behind at a gas station. My mother used the excuse that she was preoccupied with a candy bar, yet, my opinion differs vastly. (A tad bit wordy and sounds too scripted)

Same Information…More Conversational: When I was five, my parents accidentally left me at a gas station in Dubuque. We were on vacation. My mom claims she was preoccupied with a candy bar. I beg to differ. (Shorter sound bytes; easy to grasp)

Listen to the language you use when delivering a presentation. Do you sound like you are reading to the audience or engaged in a conversation? How conversational are you? What can you do to become more conversational?

 

What Are You Reading?

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bulldog wearing eyeglasses sleeping over a good novel“What are you currently reading?” “Have you read any good books lately?” These two common questions come up often during conversations asked by friends, colleagues or people you have just met. What you have read or are reading reveals a lot about who you are as a person. Reading also includes social media forums and news feeds, what you choose to comment on, share, recommend or post. What you are reading reflects your position as an industry leader, expert and thought leader.

If you can answer these questions with an immediate affirmative response, then you position yourself as someone who is interested in new perspectives, current trends or fresh ideas. Translation: You are an intriguing person. If you have nothing to offer, like the answer, “No” or “I’m not reading anything right now,” you may position yourself as someone who is not interested in much or does not remain current. Translation: You have nothing to offer.

One of my favorite books, discovered by accident at a local bookstore a few years ago, is Soul Pancake: Chew on Life’s Big Questions by Rainn Wilson (who plays Dwight Schrute on the TV show, The Office), along with Devon Gundry, Golriz Lucina and Shabnam Mogharabi. I must admit, it was the title that grabbed my attention. Once I opened the book, I was hooked. Like the title promises, the questions are really big and deserve attention. Did I mention that the book is also on The New York Times Best Seller List? Visit the Soul Pancake website at http://soulpancake.com for more great reading, videos and interactive activities to keep the conversation going.

Reading can stretch your thinking, challenge you, open up your mind to unlimited possibilities. What, then, are you currently reading?

You Can’t Fake Authenticity

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wb051288Genuine. Authentic. The real deal. Isn’t that how you would like people to describe you? When you are in the presence of someone who is truly authentic, you feel a deeper sense of openness and trust. Let me share an experience I had while on vacation last week.

The innkeepers had recommended that my husband and I dine at a nearby farm-to-table restaurant featuring a limited, creative menu. Our server, Darren, had me at hello. He welcomed us with a smile that lit up the room and engaging eye contact. He was young and enthusiastic. Instead of the artificial, memorized meet-and-greet (“Hi, guys. Welcome to the ABC. My name is Darren. I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with a cocktail or an appetizer?”), he spoke to us like we were engaged in a real conversation (because we were).

Throughout the meal, Darren would check in with us. He was very attentive to any requests. Since this was a Saturday night, my husband and I wondered if he had another “day job” during the week, so we asked him. His reply: “This is my full-time job. This is what I do.” He explained that he believes in the restaurant’s philosophy, that he has always been in the hospitality industry, working at restaurants or hotels, and that he loves serving people. I said, “It shows. It’s clear that you enjoy what you do. You were very attentive and made our dining experience very memorable.” He was genuinely grateful for our comments and thanked us.

What was different about Darren was that his passion for what he does for a living was crystal clear from the moment he greeted us. This was opposite of the experience we had two nights earlier with a server who flashed his artificial runway smile just to earn a bigger tip. The customer knows the difference between artificial and authentic…you can’t fake authenticity!

Thank you, Darren, for being the wonderful, authentic person you are. And thank you to all the authentic individuals out there who truly enrich our lives.